Just doing a little winter portfolio updating.

I’ve been increasing my web presence to hedge my bets in the event that vengeful tree ghosts do, in fact, exist. Thuserly, I’ve created a page for all that non-print bloggy stuff.

Here, you’ll find my latest DVICE piece that explores the sad, scary world of Mark Zuckerberg fan fiction (which Gawker deemed “fun” enough to re-blog). I also prove that The Matrix is real and ask a very important question to the global science community.

BUT WAIT, there’s a shit-ton more! I had my first piece on the sci-fi/movie/entertainment site BLASTR where I profile 17 movies so horrible even their creators say they sucked. AND I’ve also posted my latest cover story on comedian Ron White.

So, enjoy! I do it all for you. And for money.

The shop is searching for a local bard-in-need to pen a “human interest story.” Specifically a short vignette surrounding a certain aspect of their store:

We are a flower shop located in midtown Manhattan and are seeking a creative writer to compose a human interest story about our store cat. Everyone on the block/streets stops by to see him. We would like to post the article on our FB and blog in addition to other sources. We are thinking of 1/2 or 1/3 of a newspaper page.

SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

The story basically writes itself! The cat hangs out with some locals, chews on some flowers, poops in a pot. Maybe solves a mystery or two. BAM! … Look, there’s not much out there that pays right now. Just write about the cat or starve, wordface.

Also, I’ve been doing some more writing for DVICE. My recent post about the strange psychic powers of Magnum P.I. is available here. That turned out to be one of my favorite tech pieces I’ve written. And, by the social media numbers alone, this may be just about the most widely read thing I’ve ever had my name attached to.

You can now also catch some of my work as a regular contributor with ExtremeTech.com.

Ha!

Also put up my profile of Maker’s Mark bourbon. Basically the gist of it is that it gets you drunk and tastes pretty.

Enjoy!

Here is Complex‘s cover. Here you can see they have T.I. covered with a bunch of wires or something. High-contrast black and white. Art.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the publishing spectrum, here is the King of the South looking damn smoove with cigar in hand. Yes, we adapted it from a movie still, but it works well. I think that we are able to stand on our own:

For the record, the Complex story is a Q+A. I, on the other hand, actually wrote a full-length feature about T.I. (and his love for cigars) based on a 20-minute phone conversation he was nice enough to do with me for my tiny little magazine. Not to toot my horn, but I think it’s pretty good.

(toot.)

I’ll put it up here when our issue is off the shelves.

I don’t want to sound bitter, but roughly one kazillion more people are going to read the Complex feature than will read mine. But they should really consider my story. I’m of the opinion that magazine Q+As are the written-word’s equivalent of Terminator  Salvation: there’s lots of things happening, it seems like something interesting should be going on. But in the end, there is no there there, and then we all die a little more inside as a result. And I’m not going to argue that interviewing isn’t an art. It is.  But, when I buy a magazine, I’m hoping for the opportunity to learn about the person on the cover—and I get that through a good writer’s descriptions of how they speak, small vignettes of how the subject reacts with their entourage, or observations of how their face looked at different points during the conversation. Little moments. Things that won’t come through in some summer intern’s transcription. I want something that will captivate and challenge me for the duration of my subway ride and/or extended shit.

Just saying, I enjoy a good feature piece.

You haven’t been clicking on it.

I can tell.

But you really should! It’s a collection of a lot of features I’ve had published over the past few years, including the celebrity interviews I do for my dayjob. Anyway, I’ve spent the past few weeks transcribing them so they’re easier to read. They are now available in full on this site or as a Google Docs link of the full layout. I’ve even given you the option to go all old school and download a PDF to your computer. That way you can enjoy these works in some godforsaken place where you don’t have access to the internet. On camping trips. In a submarine on a spy mission. On the moon. In purgatory with all the unbaptized babies. Wherever top-notch feature writing is enjoyed.

Enjoy!