how to make it in america as a writer.

In today’s economy it’s becoming harder and harder for an aspiring wordsmith to make a living. Thank gosh for the aspiring anything’s favorite go-to source: Craigslist! A local flower shop has gone to the internet in search of a creative writer to work their magic. And, unlike a lot that’s up there, it pays! 100 clams! Just think of all the iced coffees and Apple products and black turtlenecks that could buy!

The shop is searching for a local bard-in-need to pen a “human interest story.” Specifically a short vignette surrounding a certain aspect of their store:

We are a flower shop located in midtown Manhattan and are seeking a creative writer to compose a human interest story about our store cat. Everyone on the block/streets stops by to see him. We would like to post the article on our FB and blog in addition to other sources. We are thinking of 1/2 or 1/3 of a newspaper page.

SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

The story basically writes itself! The cat hangs out with some locals, chews on some flowers, poops in a pot. Maybe solves a mystery or two. BAM! … Look, there’s not much out there that pays right now. Just write about the cat or starve, wordface.

jake tapper has a sense of humor.

Jake Tapper is the professional handsome person that ABC News hires to hold a cell phone at press conferences so the producers can tell him what questions to ask. Well, Tapper and I had some mad beef a while back. It had to do with Jake not liking a little twitter prank of mine, eventually resulting in him laying down the twitter banhammer!

Bla-DOW!

Well, those dark days have finally abated! The ban has been lifted, and as far as I’m concerned the beef is officially squashed.

Jake Tapper, you’re okay in my book.

Hero.

the finest photo captured with a cell phone. ever.

Seriously. This is a beautiful photo. Captured with my Motorola Atrix. A little PhotoShop would make this a classic.

My condolences for all the people who wasted their money on expensive “cameras” and “photography classes.”

Dummies.

Little did you know that all you needed was a cell phone and the ability to look up.

osama’s death photo [nsfw]

What I am about to show you is very disturbing, and may very well place me at great personal risk. And yet, I thought this information too vital to keep from the world. I can not divulge how I came upon this very explosive image, but I can only say that without a doubt it features the corpse of terrorist mastermind Osama Bin Laden following the invasion of his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan.

WARNING: this image would be considered quite gruesome by most readers, click away if you are offended by such things. Analysis of the image will follow below…

As you can see, much of this grainy footage speaks for itself. In the foreground, we clearly see Osama Bin Laden lying lifeless on the floor following the initial invasion. His eyes have turned to Xs, which is how we can prove with scientific certainty that he is deceased. If you look above the corpse and to the left, there appears to be a set of lady boobs. While if you scan over to the right of the image, you’ll see what clearly is a dinosaur who is saying “grrrr” because he’s a dinosaur.

I hope these images will help quell the conspiracy theorists out there who might think OBL is still alive.

Please re-blog this photo before the powers that be remove it from the pubic record.

scary napkin monsters from the deep

This isn’t just a test of my new WordPress for Android app, but an insight into the world of the mysterious napkin monsters who populate our napkin oceans and sometimes our dinner tables.

As you know, scary napkin monsters are all around us. While, it is true, they are both scary and made out of napkins, I sometimes question if they are really “monsters.” Perhaps the scary napkin monsters mean us no harm or ill. Perhaps they are mere reflections of the inhuman acts that occur all around the world, but which we so often choose to ignore.

Just perhaps.

Nature is at once, both beautiful and so very frightening. And sometimes it is made of napkins.

i’s a writer.

Just a little portfolio updating… Click over here to read my recent cover feature with Andrew Zimmern. You know him. He’s the guy on the Travel Channel who travels around the world eating deer penises. Among other things. But somehow I just can’t seem to get past the Singaporian deer penis stew. He was just as pleasant a guy to talk to as he is on his show. I was very happy with how the piece turned out.

Also, I’ve been doing some more writing for DVICE. My recent post about the strange psychic powers of Magnum P.I. is available here. That turned out to be one of my favorite tech pieces I’ve written. And, by the social media numbers alone, this may be just about the most widely read thing I’ve ever had my name attached to.

You can now also catch some of my work as a regular contributor with ExtremeTech.com.