Just doing a little winter portfolio updating.

I’ve been increasing my web presence to hedge my bets in the event that vengeful tree ghosts do, in fact, exist. Thuserly, I’ve created a page for all that non-print bloggy stuff.

Here, you’ll find my latest DVICE piece that explores the sad, scary world of Mark Zuckerberg fan fiction (which Gawker deemed “fun” enough to re-blog). I also prove that The Matrix is real and ask a very important question to the global science community.

BUT WAIT, there’s a shit-ton more! I had my first piece on the sci-fi/movie/entertainment site BLASTR where I profile 17 movies so horrible even their creators say they sucked. AND I’ve also posted my latest cover story on comedian Ron White.

So, enjoy! I do it all for you. And for money.

First, I will state that the Underworld films (and I’ve seen them all) are not completely horrible—there is a kernel of a quality movie surrounded by a thick shell off poorly-lit cinematic poo. I have a soft spot for this series which wants so hard to be a respected fantasy franchise, but keeps falling short. Still, I wasn’t planning on shelling out $12 ($15 for the 3D experience) to see “Awakening,” rather I’d opt to see it in the comfort of my home when it eventually saunters on to FX next year.

HOWEVER, the movie’s edgy new ad campaign has, in the least, got my attention. Here you can see star Kate Beckinsale threatening other ads in the subway with gun violence.

Here she tells RuPaul, “You better work… at backing the fuck up! New York wants to spend their disposable entertainment dollars on ME! Bitch.”

Some might take offense to Kate threatening this middle-aged Metropolitan Teachers’ College rep. But I, for one, applaud its bold take-no-prisoners style.

No one is safe from Underworld Awakenings.

Rock on with your badself, Ms. Beckinsale.

If you listen to them speak, they have similar homespun vocal cadences that end every statement like a question. (“You’ll just love our chickens breasts?” “We left the gold standard and our nation’s economic freedoms began to erode?”)

Frank might have a bit more pudge (the result of a steady diet of chicken fat instead of liberty), however if you squash down Ron’s nose slightly, you’d half expect him start babbling on about the Fed’s disastrous effect on the price of chicken wire. Notice even how they have the same half-y, upturn left eyebrow. I’m not crazy on this one.

And if you want to get even weirder, check out Frank’s son Jim next to Ron’s son, Rand:

The same steely cold dead blue eyes that look like they could deflate your lungs if they glared at you in just the right way.

Just sayin’. #First.

I classify cinemagraphs as a completely different species than the ubiquitous “animated gifs” that inhabit the message boards and tumblr posts of internetland. Cinemagraphs incorporate slight bits of movement into otherwise static digital images, adding a subtle stylish element.

Here’s a prime example from digi-artists Jamie Beck and Kevin Burg (proprietors of the above link):

Anyway, I’ve been trying my hand at making cinemagraphs. I’m using some complimentary software and this helpful online tutorial. I think for some first tries, they’re pretty good. My initial attempts seem to center around blinking eyeballs. In any event, I hope to have some more advanced ones in the future to help bring a little magic and class to my already sophisticated web presence.

The shop is searching for a local bard-in-need to pen a “human interest story.” Specifically a short vignette surrounding a certain aspect of their store:

We are a flower shop located in midtown Manhattan and are seeking a creative writer to compose a human interest story about our store cat. Everyone on the block/streets stops by to see him. We would like to post the article on our FB and blog in addition to other sources. We are thinking of 1/2 or 1/3 of a newspaper page.

SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

The story basically writes itself! The cat hangs out with some locals, chews on some flowers, poops in a pot. Maybe solves a mystery or two. BAM! … Look, there’s not much out there that pays right now. Just write about the cat or starve, wordface.

Bla-DOW!

Well, those dark days have finally abated! The ban has been lifted, and as far as I’m concerned the beef is officially squashed.

Jake Tapper, you’re okay in my book.

Hero.

Seriously. This is a beautiful photo. Captured with my Motorola Atrix. A little PhotoShop would make this a classic.

My condolences for all the people who wasted their money on expensive “cameras” and “photography classes.”

Dummies.

Little did you know that all you needed was a cell phone and the ability to look up.

WARNING: this image would be considered quite gruesome by most readers, click away if you are offended by such things. Analysis of the image will follow below…

As you can see, much of this grainy footage speaks for itself. In the foreground, we clearly see Osama Bin Laden lying lifeless on the floor following the initial invasion. His eyes have turned to Xs, which is how we can prove with scientific certainty that he is deceased. If you look above the corpse and to the left, there appears to be a set of lady boobs. While if you scan over to the right of the image, you’ll see what clearly is a dinosaur who is saying “grrrr” because he’s a dinosaur.

I hope these images will help quell the conspiracy theorists out there who might think OBL is still alive.

Please re-blog this photo before the powers that be remove it from the pubic record.

As you know, scary napkin monsters are all around us. While, it is true, they are both scary and made out of napkins, I sometimes question if they are really “monsters.” Perhaps the scary napkin monsters mean us no harm or ill. Perhaps they are mere reflections of the inhuman acts that occur all around the world, but which we so often choose to ignore.

Just perhaps.

Nature is at once, both beautiful and so very frightening. And sometimes it is made of napkins.

Also, I’ve been doing some more writing for DVICE. My recent post about the strange psychic powers of Magnum P.I. is available here. That turned out to be one of my favorite tech pieces I’ve written. And, by the social media numbers alone, this may be just about the most widely read thing I’ve ever had my name attached to.

You can now also catch some of my work as a regular contributor with ExtremeTech.com.